Saturday, February 26, 2011

He loves me, he loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not...

Do you remember the feeling of trying to figure if the person about whom you are excited might be excited about you?  This dilemma and the ensuing feelings date back to that very first crush when we first try to decode the mysteries of love.  Can we not all relate to trying to find the answer to this burning question?  As we all come to understand, of course, this is not solely a dilemma of early life, but one which continues to plague us well into adulthood.  I recently received the following inquiry from a young girl which exemplified this struggle.  She wrote:


I'm 13 years old and turning 14 on march and I have this huge crush on this friend of mine who is 12 and turning 13 in september... But the other day he was outside playing soccer with his friend and I was outside with my friend too and they didn't even said hi.. So when they left I started to cry and my friend texted his friend and told him that I was crying and my crush found out so later he texted me that he was sorry because he was nervous and that it wasn't his intention to make me cry..


Now I don't know if I should start a conversation with him via bbm..
Can u please help me.. I don't know what to do... But I'm starting to like him just as a friend.


Heartbreaking, isn't it, but I am sure that all of you can remember a similar heartbreak and confusion.  I responded as follows:


I hope I can provide you with some help with your problem.  The situation that you describe is a very common one.  Often, part of the fun of having a huge crush is being able to fantasize about who the person is and how wonderful they will be with you.  And you want to believe that the other person is thinking about you in the same way.  Because of this, you sometimes are looking for evidence of their interest (or of their rejection) in every little thing that they do - all without that person ever knowing that what they say or do is having so much meaning for you.  Looks that that is what happened with this boy who had no idea that his saying hi (or not saying hi) to you was having so much meaning. What you later  found out that he was having his own anxieties going on in his head that he had to push past in order to talk to you - but he did.  He wanted to let you know that his not saying hi had nothing to do with you (it had to do with his own anxiety).  Don't take it personally.  In situations like this, there is more than just your feelings involved.  Now that he has contacted you, you think that you just want to be friends.  Think about how scary it may have been for him to contact you.  Are you thinking about just being friends now because this guy is now becoming more real to you, not the fantasy that was in your head before?  Or are you afraid of the reality of what having a real romance will mean?  Or was he was more interesting to you when he was harder to get?


The bottom line is that this is the normal course of crushes.  You are likely to have many, many more crushes.  First, don't make assumptions about what is going on in the other person's mind, either positive or negative.  Second, remember, the other person has feelings too.  And finally, before you really give your heart over to someone, try and get to know them first so that the connection is actually based on something real, rather than the fantasy in your head.  That way, it will be a feeling that will not be fleeting.

 Hope this helps.



The same goes for grownups too. 

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